I Told You So

Fuck you Larry Birkhead!

No, not because you are the father.

No, not because you fucked one of the world's biggest whores.

No, not because you eat kittens.

Fuck you for creating a 10 second sound bite that will be played every 5 minutes for the rest of the week! From now on, all I'll hear on the TV and radio will be "I TOLD YOU SO!" and the cheers of countless dumb bitches. Seriously, who felt they had to cheer when he was proven to be the father? Unless you are related to Birkhead or are a close friend, why the fuck are you at the courthouse, let alone cheering for the guy? These are the same assholes who put flowers at make shift memorials for celebs or whomever's death is on top of the public consciousness. These are people who have no lives what so ever, so they want to some how feel related to other's lives they see on TV. Fuckers.

But I digress.

Fuck you Larry Birkhead! Fuck you and your "I TOLD YOU SO!" sound bite that will haunt my dreams!

*Squirt*

Jedi Are Filthy

So I was discussing Starwars Episode I the other day, why I have no idea, and the topic of Medaclorians came up. As we all know, Medaclorians are micro organisms that live in certain creatures, allowing them to be in touch with the force. Then it dawned on me...

Medaclorians are an STD!!!

Jedi are former skanks to are forced to become celibate after discovering they have contracted Medaclorians, the ultimate STD. The symptoms being periodic warts, burning urine, and the ability to be in tune with the force.

Think about it. Someone comes home extra late and their significant other notices them lifting objects with their mind. "You using the force?! Oh my God! You cheating bastard! You have Medaclorians! Oh God...you didn't give it to me did you!?"

Or a guy wakes up after a one night stand and goes to take a piss only to find it burns like a real mofo and he says to himself "That bitch! She said she wasn't a jedi!"

Perhaps a woman goes to a doctor for a yearly exam and the doc says "It shows here that you have a high Medaclorian count. You may want to contact your previous partners."

The Jedi are total filthy skeeze bags. Yoda being the dirtiest old bastard of them all, can you imagine how much Medaclorians he has spread all over the galaxy? And you have poor Anakin who's mom was such a brutal whore that she didn't even know who her baby's father was, and she passed Medaclorians to her son through birth. Tragic. No wonder the Jedi are so crazy and have no fear. Their life couldn't get any worse. It's like having HIV, you know you are going to die a terrible death, so who gives a fuck anymore. People think Jedi have big balls, in reality they have huge Medaclorian sacks.

Then you have the Sith. They are not really the bad guys. They are like Magic Johnson. Sure they have Medaclorians, but they are living a fruitful life and are fighting the spread of the illness by making people aware if it. That is commendable.

So what is the moral of this blog? Be careful who you sleep with...use Empire brand condoms.

*Squirt*

Condoleeza White On Rice

Did anyone else see Condoleeza Rice in the Super Bowl pre game show clapping her hands to the mo-town music performance? Don't tell me that wasn't as staged as it comes. The camera cuts to her briefly at the back of the stadium clapping her hands, then it cuts back to the artists on the stage. We don't see her again for rest of the entire Super Bowl. So you are telling me she showed up just for that one performance? They placed her there for a brief moment to help her image. No doubt the second the camera was off her, she left the stadium and put her white hooded robes back on and resumed giving bush to Bush.

*Squirt*

A Million Little Pieces Of Who Gives A Fuck

As we all know, Oprah added "A Million Little Pieces" to her Oprah book club. By doing so, sky rocketed the author, James Frey, into stardom. A few months later, the world found out that the supposedly "Non-fiction" book was in reality filled with many fictional elements. On a later show, Oprah openly admitted that she felt betrayed and duped by James Frey. Now scorned and jaded by the publishing world, Oprah is now on the quest to hunt down all authors to write fiction in a book that claims to be completely thruthful.

Her next target?

The Bible!

Oprah recently learned that the bible may actually have some parts that are not entirely truthful. Some may even go as far as to say it is riddled with fabrications, falsehoods, and down right fakery! Did a woman really grow out of a man's rib? Was two of every species crammed into one boat? Was the sea really parted? Oprah aims to find out!

On a related topic, Oprah also feels duped and betrayed by her very own "Angel Network" after finding out Angels may not actually exist!

Oh poor Oprah. Once so innocent and pure, she is now jaded and spoiled by the harsh realities of the world.

*Squirt*

You May Take Our Shows, But You'll Never Take Our Freedom!

It's has been a trend here in America to take shows and movies from other countries and remake them in our image. In the process they lose a good chunk of quality. For example, The Office is a very creative and hilarious British comedy. NBC remade it and now it's barely a polished turd. There are countless movies that have done the same thing.

Well now the tables have turned! Other countries have been taking our classic shows, remaking them in their image, and fucking them up! Bastards! Here are some examples.

Shi'ite Rider
Mahammad Shi'ite, a man with no past, is teamed up with a talking car to spread their message across the land. Each episode consists of witty banter between Mahammad and the car, turbo boosting past military check points, and driving into pizzerias and federal buildings.

Adolf's Angels
A group of beautiful women, all with blond hair and blue eyes, work for a mysterious man who's voice can only be heard from a speaker and refers to himself as Adolf. They work outside the law to hunt down evil doers, who often disguise themselves as bankers or lawyers. Once captured, they send them to a special prison camp designed by Adolf himself.

Stalin and Hutch
Two bad ass mofo's keeping supreme order in their town by any means necessary...in a pimp ass ride.

It's one thing for America to ruin other country's ideas. We are a super nation, that is our God given right! But for them to ruin our ideas...WAR!

*Squirt*